“SANTA FOUND AND HE’S DRUNK AT THE BASEMENT CLUB”

Broadcast Live from the Basement Club Dancefloor

Dr. Paralax is practically shouting over the bassline:
“Ladies and gentlemen, avatars and extraterrestrials, we have located Santa. He is absolutely fine… and absolutely hammered on Glühwein.”

When WTTQ crews arrived, Santa was:
Still wearing his big red coat
Holding a half-empty mug of glowing purple alien-Glühwein
Dancing in a suspiciously accurate moonwalk
Shouting, “RUDOLPH, DROP THE BEAT!”

The DJ Casey immediately complied. She was also drunk from the Glühwein and announced that next week was Christmas (it wasn't true).

Santa attempted to become a backup dancer for DJ Casey.
Two aliens challenged him to a “Jingle Bell Rave-Off.”
He kept insisting someone needed to “install chimneys in Second Life homes again.”
He ordered the entire room a round of Glühwein “charged to the North Pole.”

Rachel was spotted cheering him on while showing him how to do the Happy Dance.

Krampus stomped in through the side entrance, chains clanking, shouting:
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I thought you were kidnapped! I polished my claws for nothing!”

Santa, swaying slightly, raised his mug and slurred:
“Krampy, my boooooy! Lighten up! Have a sip! It’s Christmas!”

Krampus looked like he had aged 200 years in one second.

An alien at the bar told WTTQ:
“This explains the missing caribou. They followed him here because he smelled like sugar wind.”

Glühwein is hot and sweet, and the alcohol will hit you like an atomic bomb

“Rudolph Claims Santa Is Missing - Krampus or Aliens Suspected!”

BREAKING NEWS FROM AREA 52

WTTQ Channel 10 interrupts your regularly scheduled programming with a developing holiday mystery. According to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer himself, Santa Claus has not shown up for his annual pre-flight warm-up checks at the North Pole.

Rudolph, glowing anxiously at 400 lumens, gave a brief but frantic statement:
“He should’ve been here five hours ago. The sleigh’s polished, the reindeer are stretched, and even the emergency cookie rations are loaded. Something’s wrong. REALLY wrong.


When asked who might be responsible, the red-nosed one wasted no time offering possibilities…

SUSPECT #1: KRAMPUS
Krampus has been “annoyingly smug” this week, according to reindeer reports.
He was last seen sharpening his birch bundle and muttering things like:
“We’ll see who gets the nice list this year.”
A classic Krampus power move.

SUSPECT #2: ALIENS FROM AREA 52

The aliens claim innocence, but their story keeps changing.

First, they said they saw nothing.
Then they said they saw a “jolly red heat signature.”
Then they insisted Santa “voluntarily boarded for research.”
Then they said they “do not know what a ‘Santa’ is.”

Security Caribou with Antennae are now sweeping the skies for unusual sleigh-shaped anomalies.

Rudolph urges everyone to stay alert:

“If you see a sleigh flying backwards, glowing purple, or emitting accordion music, do NOT approach. That’s not Santa. That’s… something else.”

After hours of panic, speculation, and one very dramatic reindeer revolt, new information is emerging about Santa’s disappearance.

According to a source close to the North Pole (an elf who spoke on condition of anonymity because, quote, “Mrs. Claus scares me more than Krampus does”), Santa might have simply overslept.
Apparently, the Big Man stayed up late last night double-checking the Naughty List, which grew by 7,000 names after Area 52 aliens discovered the existence of “Black Friday behavior footage.”

Then he helped himself to a midnight snack of:
12 gingerbread men
4 mugs of cocoa
1 entire pumpkin pie “for carb loading”

And promptly fell asleep on top of the Workshop’s Wi-Fi router, shutting down all elf communications and preventing Rudolph’s emergency alert system from working.

Krampus’s Deeply Unpopular Reindeer Opinion

A WTTQ Channel 10 Follow-Up Exclusive

KRAMPUS: “I’m going to say it. And Santa can clutch his peppermint pearls if he wants.”
1. “Reindeer are drama queens.”

“Yes, yes, yes, I know they fly, they sparkle, they guide the sleigh. But have you ever lived with them? They act like they’re the only ones doing any work in December. Meanwhile, I’m hauling whole sacks of naughty mortals through slush with NOTHING but hoofpower and attitude.”

2. “Rudolph’s nose is not a blessing, it’s a hazard.”

“That glowing red orb? It blinds me every time I try to sneak up on someone who lied about doing their taxes. And guess what? It’s not magic. It’s a bio-reactive sinus flare. Don’t tell him I said that. He’s VERY sensitive about his mucus.”

3. “Reindeer eat like they’re trying to bankrupt Christmas.”

“You think cookies are expensive? You should see Santa’s hay budget. Comet and Cupid once ate an entire shipment meant for three planets. Blitzen will eat tinsel if no one stops him.
That’s why he sparkles from the inside out. Not magic, poor dietary boundaries.”

4. “They gossip. Constantly.”

“You think elves talk? Reindeer gossip like they’re hosting a celestial podcast. Last year, they had a five-hour argument over whether Santa’s beard was naturally curly or ‘holiday-permed.’
I had to leave the room.”

5. “Antlers are not weapons. Stop waving them at me.”

“Every December, Dasher threatens me with his antlers like he’s starring in a low-budget fantasy film. I tell him: ‘Put those down or I’ll boop your snoot into another dimension.’
But he never listens.”

“I’m not saying they’re bad creatures.
I’m saying they’re dramatic, sparkly, hay-devouring chaos muffins.”

“…but I still bring them treats on Krampusnacht. Don’t tell them. They’ll start a union.”

Krampus Explains Why Santa Says “Ho Ho Ho”

 A WTTQ Channel 10 Exclusive Interview

Most humans think Santa says “ho ho ho” because he’s jolly.
The aliens of Area 52 strongly disagree.
According to their research (which involved analyzing mall Santas, decoding holiday movies, and interrogating a blow-up Santa in front of Club Rapa Nui), they asked Krampus.

KRAMPUS:
“Oh, finally. Someone asks me instead of that red-suited sugar balloon. Sit down. Listen carefully. I’ll explain what the ho ho ho nonsense is really about.”

“Ho ho ho” is Santa mocking me.
“Yes. You heard me.
Every December, when I’m doing my job, dragging misbehaving folks through the snow, rattling chains, keeping the universe morally balanced, he flies overhead and bellows:”

“HO HO HO!” = ‘I’m popular, and you’re terrifying, deal with it.’
“Honestly? Rude.”

“Humans think it’s jolly.
Aliens think it’s a low-grade war cry.
But really it means:
‘Hide the cookies, Gary, I’m coming down the chimney.’”

“I tried teaching him.
We were on a mission together in 1348. Needed silence. Needed stealth.
He took one step in the snow and boomed:”

‘HO HO...’
“And the whole operation collapsed.”

Santa uses “ho ho ho” to confuse the reindeer.

“Yes. Yes, he does.
It’s code to make them think they’re going left when they’re supposed to go right.
Have you ever wondered why he sometimes ends up in Area 52 instead of Cleveland?
There you go.”

Santa says it because he can’t burp quietly.

“This one is embarrassing for him, but someone must speak the truth.
Milk + cookies + extreme altitude = pressure buildup.
‘Ho ho ho’ is just the polite version of what would happen otherwise.”

“And that’s it. The real story.
Not jolly. Not magical.
Just loud, mildly passive-aggressive, and terrible for stealth missions.”

“Also, tell him to stop calling me ‘Ho-Ho-Bro.’ I hate that.”

“Krampus Sighted Over Area 52!”

“Good evening. This is WTTQ Channel 10 with a Special Holiday Alert. 

Residents of Area 52 are advised to stay indoors, bring in their caribou, and avoid dangling candy canes from windows.”

At approximately 19:42 local time, multiple witnesses reported a large goat-like entity flying over Area 52.
Initial assumptions that it was an alien holiday guest were dismissed when sensors detected:
Iron chains
Hoof impacts on rooftops
A surprisingly judgmental aura

The aliens immediately identified it as Earth Entity KR-ΔMP-US, commonly known as Krampus.

“We expected Santa.
This is… not Santa.”
Anjelikka, Area 52 Resident
“He flew right past the landing pad. Even my cats hid, and they’re normally fine with interdimensional horrors.”

Alien Command activated Festive Containment Protocol 12, which includes:
Deploying wolves (wearing jingle collars for morale).
Switching the mood lights from purple to “protective green.”
Broadcasting a looping message:

“Attention, Krampus: All beings here have been moderately good.”

DJ Casey switched tonight’s playlist to “Run, Run, Rudolph But Faster.”

What Is Krampus Doing at Area 52?
Experts propose three possibilities:
He’s lost.
GPS does not function well around wormholes. He’s inspecting the aliens’ naughty/nice logs.
(The aliens strongly deny wrongdoing.)
He’s looking for someone who still hasn’t unpacked their inventory since 2017.

If that’s you… Good luck. He also advises people to buy at the UFOh my Gacha Store or else.

Meteorologist Trenton Glass says the storm front tonight may include:
Light snow swirling holiday particles and sporadic hooves from above.

Residents should remain calm and avoid feeding strange shadow-creatures.

“We will keep you updated throughout the night.
For now, this is Trenton for WTTQ Channel 10, reminding you:
If you hear chains, hide the gingerbread.”

"Stop, do not take the reporter!" Anjelikka is trying her best 011 power. (no luck)

The Newest Trend Sweeping Through Area 52 (and Possibly Time Itself)

Everyone at Area 52 has been talking about it: the aliens, the wolves, the caribou with antennas, even the janitor bot that isn’t supposed to speak.

They’re all buzzing about the same phenomenon:
Quantum Leaping Manifestation 

A technique so powerful, so unpredictable, and so confusing that even Dr. Parallax said:
“Please stop doing this near the reactor.”

Aliens at Area 52 claim they invented it after misinterpreting human motivational posters.
Their results so far:
One alien manifested “a bigger coffee mug.”
They leapt too hard and ended up in 1978 next to a disco ball.
Another wanted “a warmer winter outfit.”
They jumped timelines and found themselves wearing a full Krampus costume.
A third tried to manifest “a date.”
They ended up accidentally summoning three caribou and a confused delivery driver.

Progress? Maybe.

Anjelikka tried it once.
She leapt so gracefully that she briefly phased into a reality where:
The Retreat had perfect Wi-Fi
Black Friday actually existed
And all the gachas were sorted alphabetically, which feels unrealistic
She returned immediately because it “felt suspicious.”

It started, as these things usually do, with someone saying:
“How hard can quantum leaping really be?”

Her name was Zyn, one of the newer aliens at Area 52, bright turquoise, with three eyes, a good attitude, and questionable decision-making. She had been watching humans manifest things on TikTok and became convinced she could do it better.
So she tried Quantum Leaping Manifestation.

And leapt into the wrong timeline.

Zyn stood at the glowing teleport circle behind the Gacha Store, thinking very hard about her desire:
“I want a peaceful timeline! With warm weather! And snacks!”
She jumped.
There was a fizz.
A pop.
A sound like someone ripping open a bag of chips in slow motion.
And then she was gone.

P.S. Stop by and pick up some from another timeline gacha items for the price you could never get anywhere else.

Quantum Leaping Manifestation is fun and powerful, but please stop doing it near Area 52.

WTTQ CHANNEL 10 EXCLUSIVE “Astrid the Alien Catfished by a So-Called ‘Linden’”

ANCHOR DEVON (looking overly serious):
“Tonight at 10, an emotional scandal rocks Area 52. Astrid, the lavender-skinned alien with impeccable eyeliner and the patience of a cosmic monk, has been catfished.”

Krampus could be the imposter; we do not know.

DR. PARALLAX: “It was bound to happen. She’s too trusting. She believes anyone with a glowing badge is ‘official.’”

According to sources, Astrid believed she had been messaging a “Linden Liaison of Interspecies Social Integration,” who claimed: They could get her a premium parcel on Jupiter,
They were experts in alien-human romance, and they had “special permissions to boost her inventory limit to infinite.”

This last claim should have been a red flag. But Astrid has 29,000 outfits and dreams big.

The catfisher (username: TotallyRealLinden_42) sent suspicious lines such as:
“Hello, I’m from The Lab. Want to see my secret region?”
“Please give me your HUD settings so I can upgrade your cosmic experience.”
“I can turn your landing point into a wormhole.”
Astrid later admitted:
“Honestly, the wormhole part sounded legit.”

The wolves on duty sniffed the chat history and immediately declared the “Linden” to be:

“98% human, 2% nonsense, 0% official.”

One wolf added in a written statement:

“We could smell the deception. And the fear. And the microwaved lasagna.”

Astrid confessed she felt devastated, betrayed… and mildly insulted.

“They told me my avatar shape looked ‘default.’
I haven’t been this offended since the humans called my antenna earrings ‘quirky.’”

Investigators discovered that the catfisher didn’t work for the Lab at all. In fact, he worked in Second Life’s unofficial underground pillow-gacha resale market, notorious for lures, scams, and the occasional emotional support groundhog.

Astrid is now giving a TED Talk (Trans-Dimensional Extra-Dimensional Talk) titled:

“Don’t Get Catfished Across Dimensions:
Red Flags Even Aliens Shouldn’t Ignore.”
Her top tips include:
If someone says they can look inside your inventory “with their mind,” block them.
Never believe a stranger who claims the Region Restarts follows their personal schedule.
Real Lindens don’t flirt. The universe would implode.