“Aliens Open a Gacha Store to Fund Winter Clothes”

Filed by: Casey (returned from fragment backup) AKA Marksmallow Man
Broadcast Status: Cozy, financially responsible

Casey (on-air, with a mug of suspiciously glowing cocoa):

The Aliens, still recovering from last week’s ‘marshmallow incident’ that ended up being… snow, have opened their very first HUMAN-APPROVED business!”

“Temperatures are dropping across the cosmos, and aliens at Area 52 are experiencing, believe it or not, their first winter chill. Their solution? A brand-new UFOh my Gacha Store, raising funds for essential seasonal needs: thermal void-parkas, anti-gravity mittens, scarves that purr (yes, those ones require feeding)”

Anjelikka, Fashion Commander: “Darling, winter is just a poorly dressed season. We’re here to fix that.”
She is also asking that no one attempt to scan the coats again. Alfred multiplied again.

You will find all sorts of things here in the store. Some from faraway places in the galaxy, others from a thrift store down the street. Of course, there are holiday items; the aliens have no use for those, but we know you love to decorate. The prices are cheap if you compare them to the marketplace. 

“Collect the Weird. Trade the Wonderful!
Dr. Parallax: “Warm aliens are happy aliens. Happy aliens abduct fewer tourists. We consider this a win-win.”

Alien-cats tending the register, stuffing scarves into shopping bags while knocking every eighth item onto the floor on purpose.

“Buy more. Winter is coming. And we have… many necks.

“Marshmallow Crap” Turns Out to Be… SNOW?!

Aliens, unprepared, begin dramatic complaining

When the sugary explosion cleared and scientists realized the fluffy white fallout was just snow, panic at Area 52 took a new form:
Not edible
Not warm
Falling aggressively from the sky

The aliens, who thought Earth clouds simply wept whipped cream when upset, were caught off guard.
Field Interview: K’phlaag, Alien Tourist
How are you handling the cold?
K’phlaag: Badly! My species has one temperature setting: cozy.
Why does the sky freeze and attack you!? Do humans not resent this?

Dr. Parallax issued blankets and thermal socks. Rachel tried to teach the aliens how to make hot cocoa. One alien attempted to hibernate inside the jukebox

Alien Reactions to Snow: “AHHHH my limbs are crunchy!” “It burns… but backward!” 
Ate snow. Got mad.  Used it to build “Snowman Overlords.” Still convinced it’s marshmallows 

The cold has caused tractor beams to hiccup. UFO engines to sneeze. Abducted cows to be returned with scarves.
Quote from a confused cow:
“Moo?” (Translation: Why me again?)

⚠️ Public Advisory from the Aliens

“Please deliver hot pizzas to designated saucers. Pepperoni warms the soul.”

WTTQ SPECIAL BULLETIN “THE SWEETEST INVASION”

Filed from Monty Region: Marshmallow Containment Level: Zero

It started as a perfectly normal night at Area 52:
Lasers… aliens… a suspiciously large mascot looming at the Retreat. Then:

KABOOM.

The Stay Puff Marshmallow Man(AKA Casey) detonated like a dessert supernova, coating everything from the teleport pads to the Zero-G Pizza cart in sticky, sugary fluff. Marshmallow Crap!!!

White puffs drifted like snow. Buildings wore frosting like birthday cakes. Anjelikka’s hair? Now a meringue sculpture.

Casey, before she detonated

One alien in a tiny lab coat was overheard saying: “We assumed humans melt under heat, not… this puffy effigy.”

The sticky aftermath caused:
spontaneous s’mores pop-ups
increased laughter
minimum one UFO temporarily stuck to the pavement
42 angry boots glued in place
Marshmallow in jet thrusters
Rachel’s coffee machine now dispenses hot cocoa only

“This white matter is pleasant. But we request it not explode again without warning. Also, please bring crackers.”

So yes, the aliens kinda love it.
But they’re also somewhat concerned that Earth keeps exploding its mascots.

The Great Marshmallow Incident

Interview Subject: Dr. Plibnax Wobbleflorp
Position: Head of Extraterrestrial Culinary Sciences
Species: “Undefined, but adorable” (editorial note)

Reporter (R): Thank you for speaking with us, Dr. Wobbleflorp. First question: What exactly did you think exploded over Area 52?
Dr. Wobbleflorp (DW): We detected a large bipedal sugar construct. Soft exterior. Smile that felt… threatening.
R: Was there panic?

Is this Dr. Wobbleflorp?

DW: Only among those wearing fur.
Sticky fur causes emotional collapse.
R: Humans reacted with surprise and mild delight. How did your people react?
DW: My assistant licked the air.
Several times.
We encouraged this scientific curiosity until his face stuck to the pavement.

R: I see.
DW: He is still there.
R: Is a marshmallow considered a weapon in your world?
DW: Yes. A delicious one. But highly destabilizing.
R: Destabilizing?
DW: Sugar levels skyrocketed. Diplomats became uncomfortably energetic. One of them attempted to hug a security orb. It did not go well.
R: There were s’mores stands popping up. Did you try one?
DW: We sampled. We analyzed. We experienced… what you call… “campfire joy.” It made our hearts wiggle.
R: Final question: Should Earth expect future Marshmallow Men invasions?
DW: If humans continue summoning dessert giants without proper safety protocol? Absolutely. But we will be ready. We now keep giant crackers on standby.
R: Thank you, Dr. Wobbleflorp. Any final message to the human public?
DW: Yes. “Do not anger the confectionery gods.” And please send more chocolate.

WTTQ SPECIAL REPORT “THE ABDUCTION WAS COMPLETE”

Filed by Reine Solera | Monty Region | Unauthorized Transmission

SILENCE. THEN A HUM. THEN NOTHING.
That’s what the witnesses say.

One moment, the dance floor at Area 52 was pulsing beneath green lights and Zero-G Pizza crumbs. The next, a blinding flash from above, a circular void swallowing sound, sight, and sense.

And now? The landing zone is emptier than a server restart.
Dr.Parallax: gone
Anjelikka’s microphone: still warm
Costumes scattered, like shells after a molt
A lone UFO gift card hovering midair, abandoned

The Abduction Halloween Party wasn’t just themed, it was an experiment… successfully executed. A human thank you to all the venues that participated in this by supplying gifts and humor. Thank you to the DJs and live singer "Devon" for providing a ton of intergalactic music throughout the entire month of October. Dr. Parallax, the chief engineer in scripying all the UFOs, is truly a mastermind.

WTTQ intercepts suggest all abductees were transported aboard the 3"I" Atlas. The colossal craft is rumored to oversee the entire SEGI initiative. Their destination? A holding bay labeled only: REHABILITATION: FUN LEVEL 9
Not torture. Not probing. But intensive interstellar partying. Lucky them!!!

We also saw the Stay Puff Marshmallow man disintegrate right in front of our eyes, and the aliens told me that this white stuff will return to Area 52. They called it Marshmallow crap; we humans call it snow. So be on the lookout for Area 52 to turn white and sticky. The aliens also told me they are now opening shop for their winter gear allowance called UFOh my Gacha.

The aliens claim this is for everyone’s own good:
Human festival stamina must improve before contact can go public.

A GLITCHY MESSAGE WAS LEFT BEHIND
From an unknown alien voice, looping in broken English:

“Do not fear.

You danced well.

We upgrade your groove.”

Translation?
Human partying is below galactic standards.

A video was also taken about the abduction and will follow as soon as some of the earthlings get dropped off.

“GET READY FOR TONIGHT’S ABDUCTION HALLOWEEN PARTY AT AREA 52!

“This just in from the edge of the unknown: lights are flashing, portals are humming, and the aliens are dusting off their best disguises! Tonight marks the long-awaited Abduction Halloween Party at Area 52, where Earthly fears meet intergalactic fun!”

Area 52 is glowing in spectral shades of violet and green, and the landing pads have been cleared for incoming saucers. SEGI technicians are recalibrating their teleport arrays to ensure a “smooth and stylish abduction experience,” no lost limbs, no mixed-up costumes, they promise.

Witnesses report that Dr. Parallax is prepping a space set, while Anelikka is tuning up for a haunting performance that will “echo across galaxies. Join us at 5 PM SLT.

” The Alien Culinary Division has confirmed a strange but delicious menu:

Cosmic Pumpkin Pudding is proof that it’s out of this world.
Zero-G Pizza, yes, it floats until you bite.
Meteorite S’mores toasted under a plasma storm.

And rumor has it that the UFOs have been redeployed for one night only, each carrying a secret teleport link to hidden prizes scattered across the region.

Guests are encouraged to come “as their abducted selves,” whether that means a panicked farmer, a stylish space witch, or an undercover Reggiane scout. Remember, the best disguise may attract a probe… or a prize.

“So, whether you’re human, hybrid, or just here for the free snacks, keep your scanners tuned to WTTQ. Because tonight, at Area 52, the only thing scarier than ghosts… is missing the abduction.”

“ALIENS REACT TO THE SHUTDOWN OF BENEFITS”

Filed by Reine Solera, Correspondent for the Western Tracking & Telepathic Quarterly (WTTQ)

“As Earth governments scramble to explain the sudden suspension of benefits, one group remains eerily calm: the alien residents of Area 52. Their response? A mix of logic, cosmic humor, and something strangely… generous.”

"Tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwich-frugal and fast"

When the news reached the outer compound this morning, the aliens gathered under the biodome’s flickering lights. Instead of panic, they began exchanging glowing tokens, crystalline credits said to function like interstellar “trust markers.”

Dr. Parallax translated their message:

“Human systems collapse because they are built on scarcity. Ours are built on resonance. When one loses energy, another gives some back.”

WTTQ cameras caught several aliens charging solar panels and repairing Earth-made vending machines, converting them into “Reciprocity Stations” where visitors can leave what they have and take what they need.

Even the notoriously cryptic entity known as 3i Atlas sent a pulse through the comms grid:

“You measure worth in currency. We measure it in contribution.”

At the Retreat Café, humans and aliens shared food grown in the biodome’s hydro towers, no credits, no cost. “We don’t need benefits when we benefit each other,” said one local technician, eyes glinting with alien light.

SEGI economists are quietly observing these experiments. Sources hint that Area 52’s barter-and-balance model could inspire an “Alternative Human Assistance Network” if the powers that be are willing to learn from the visitors they once feared.

“When systems shut down, it’s easy to despair. But at Area 52, the aliens remind us that cooperation isn’t an emergency plan; it’s survival. 

Share and do not judge!

Reporting live from the Mojave threshold, this is Reine Solera for WTTQ.”

WTTQ EXCLUSIVE REPORT “The Galactic Zoo at Area 52”

Filed by Reine Solera, Special Correspondent for the Western Tracking & Telepathic Quarterly

Something extraordinary and unsettling has emerged behind the shimmering biodome walls of Area 52: a rumored Galactic Zoo.

Eyewitnesses claim to have seen containment fields flickering under violet light, with silhouettes of creatures that look halfway between myth and quantum anomaly: translucent felines, feathered lizards, and something that hums softly in binary.

"I think people imagine the animals, because they've taken Area 52 Gummies."

Dr. Parallax, when pressed for comment, didn’t deny the existence of the zoo but offered a cryptic reply:

“Every world collects what it fears to lose. Earth is no different.”

Inside the restricted sectors, holographic plaques reportedly display coordinates rather than species names, suggesting that each life form represents not just a biological being, but a location in spacetime. Some whisper that the “animals” are echoes of extinct realities, preserved by SEGI researchers during their dimensional experiments.

"No animals here."

⁂¤π∴, speaking through an electromagnetic burst, added:

“You call it a zoo. We call it an apology.”

Visitors to the public side of Area 52 can now access a new observation deck labeled “The Habitat Array.” Officials insist it’s a harmless exhibit. Yet technicians have reported missing containment cubes and unidentified pheromone signatures drifting toward the Retreat.

WTTQ analysts are asking:
Is Area 52 preserving alien species… or imprisoning them?
And if the zoo’s gates ever fail, which side of the glass will we be on?