“ARE YOU SERIOUS? COVID HAS HIT AREA 52”

Filed by Trenton Glass, who is definitely wearing two masks and possibly a hazmat poncho.

Earlier today, health officials at Area 52 confirmed that COVID-19 has somehow, impossibly, reached the alien compound.
This immediately raised several questions: Can aliens even get Covid? Did the virus hitch a ride on someone’s teleport script? Who coughed in the wrong direction?
The answers are:
Yes, Maybe, and Devon. Probably Devon. We will just blame him anyway.

Reports from the Hangar Clinic describe alien patients experiencing:
Color shifts (green → teal → “distressed mauve”)
Random gravity fluctuations
Telepathic sneezing (which feels like someone yelling “ACHOO” inside your spine)
A strong craving for applesauce
One alien reportedly whispered, “My aura feels stuffy.”

Lockdown Measures

Area 52 has now been enacted:
Hovercraft distancing all ships must float 6 meters apart
Mandatory mask fields forcefields that smell faintly of lavender
No more communal saucer buffets
All mind-meld sessions postponed
Cats (alien or otherwise) must wear tiny face shields

Dandy attempted to make lentil soup for everyone, but the steam set off the hangar's biohazard alarms. Again.

Anjelikka:
“ABSOLUTELY NOT. I didn’t survive three timelines and fifteen bad teleport scripts to catch alien-Covid.” (In real life, Anjelikka has a bad case of Covid right now, send your well wishes via Discord or in the comments)
Rachel (the alien): “This is why we shouldn’t have shared straws with the caribou.”
Trenton: “I told you letting them lick the handrails was a bad idea.”

Good News?
Dr. Parallax claims the alien immune system works like a 1990s fax machine:
slow, loud, but eventually functional.
He also reports the virus appears less severe in extraterrestrial physiology, causing mostly:
Mild glowing
Temporary floating
Excessive politeness