“Dear Pixelette, the Caribou Won’t Stop Following Me.”

Dear Pixelette,
The caribou at Area 52 won’t stop following me. Every time I turn around, there’s another one blinking its weird antenna-eyes at me like it knows my browser history. One of them even tried to get on the train with me. I’m starting to feel like I’m being herded. Is this normal?
-Caribou-Confused in Sector D

Dear Caribou-Confused,
First: breathe.
Second: do not make direct eye contact with the antennas. They love that.

Let’s go over a few important facts about Area 52’s caribou:

1. They’re not following you
They’re following your emotional WiFi signal. Caribou antennas pick up strong feelings like curiosity, stress, and the silent internal screaming you’ve been doing. They find it comforting like a podcast, but are confused.

2. They’re not dangerous
Unless you’re holding:
A sandwich, a map, a moral dilemma. All three attract them.

3. You may have been “Chosen”
Don’t panic, this just means they’ve decided you’re the herd’s “Designated Thinking Human.”
It’s a compliment.
…Mostly.

4. If you want them to stop following you:

Try one of the official deterrents:
Thinking about taxes, playing polka music, and mentioning you don’t like Nutella (they take offense).

5. If none of that works
Then congratulations:
You’ve been adopted by the caribou.
You now have responsibilities.
Don’t worry, they’re very low maintenance. Just don’t try to outrun them. They can teleport in short bursts. It’s a whole thing.
With antenna-friendly love,
-Pixelette