Residents of the Retreat woke up this morning to an official announcement from the Council of Dimensional Well-Being (and one extremely annoyed alien translator):
“NO BLACK FRIDAY AT THE RETREAT.”
“NO BLACK FRIDAY AT THE RETREAT.”
Why? Because last year’s attempt ended in:
Three wormholes caused by “doorbuster deals”.
A stampede of drunk alien-cats chasing half-priced gravity boots.
Dandy accidentally opened a portal to 1974, looking for a sale on lentils.
Anjelikka has bought a coat that contains a previous owner’s memories and refuses to return it.
Devon tries to livestream the chaos, only to get sucked into a clearance rack dimension.
And Rachel (the alien) insisted that “50% off” is a form of Earth trickery designed to summon capitalism demons.
“The Retreat is a sanctuary of calm, meditation, and questionable cosmic happenings.
We cannot risk destabilizing the timelines for discount toasters again.”
The alien wellness committee added: “If humans wish to participate in Black Friday, they may do so in Earth malls, provided they accept the risk of encountering unmasked shoppers and discounted microwaves.”
The caribou (with antennas) simply blinked twice, which experts translated as:
“Absolutely not.”
Instead of Black Friday, the Retreat will host:
Calm Friday, a quiet event involving tea, slow-floating, and no capitalism.
Dear Pixelette,
Why can’t I buy anything on Black Friday at the Retreat?
I woke up early, logged in, grabbed my Linden wallet, stretched my clicking finger, and strutted to the shops… only to find: signs that say “NO CAPITALISM TODAY,” a meditating alien-cat at the door chanting “ohmmm-but-no-sales-ohmmm,” and a caribou with antennas physically blocking the entrance like a fluffy bouncer.
One vendor told me the “fabric of consumer reality is unstable” and tried to sell me a rock instead. Another said they were “cleansing their chakras from last year’s coupon incident.”
PIXELLETTE, ALL I WANTED WAS A 50% OFF SWEATER THAT MAKES ME LOOK MILDLY MYSTERIOUS.
Is there any way to get deals here?
Or should I surrender and join Calm Friday?
Signed,
Sales-Blocked in the Stars
Dear Sales-Blocked,
First, breathe.
You cannot bargain with a caribou. Especially one wired directly to the mothership.
Here’s the truth: The Retreat does not allow Black Friday because last year, a single discounted crop-top ripped a hole in the sky big enough for three confused angels, two dimension-traveling wolves, and one very embarrassed Devon to fall through.
They still talk about that. This year, the aliens voted 13 to 2 (the two dissenting votes were from the alien-cats, who misunderstood and thought “Black Friday” meant “unlimited tuna”).
You cannot bargain with a caribou. Especially one wired directly to the mothership.
Here’s the truth: The Retreat does not allow Black Friday because last year, a single discounted crop-top ripped a hole in the sky big enough for three confused angels, two dimension-traveling wolves, and one very embarrassed Devon to fall through.
They still talk about that. This year, the aliens voted 13 to 2 (the two dissenting votes were from the alien-cats, who misunderstood and thought “Black Friday” meant “unlimited tuna”).
Your options now are:
Join Calm Friday
Drink tea. Float. Pretend you never loved coupons. Go to Area 52's Gacha Store.
Attempt to negotiate with the caribou. Good luck. They are immune to charm and coupons.
Wait until “Slightly Discounted Tuesday”
It’s the Retreat’s compromise holiday. Things are 7% off. No one knows why.
Let Anjelikka dress you. She doesn’t do discounts, but she does do destiny.
In any case, the universe has spoken:
No sweater is worth tearing open a rift again.
Luminously yours,
Pixelette
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