Krampus’s Deeply Unpopular Reindeer Opinion

A WTTQ Channel 10 Follow-Up Exclusive

KRAMPUS: “I’m going to say it. And Santa can clutch his peppermint pearls if he wants.”
1. “Reindeer are drama queens.”

“Yes, yes, yes, I know they fly, they sparkle, they guide the sleigh. But have you ever lived with them? They act like they’re the only ones doing any work in December. Meanwhile, I’m hauling whole sacks of naughty mortals through slush with NOTHING but hoofpower and attitude.”

2. “Rudolph’s nose is not a blessing, it’s a hazard.”

“That glowing red orb? It blinds me every time I try to sneak up on someone who lied about doing their taxes. And guess what? It’s not magic. It’s a bio-reactive sinus flare. Don’t tell him I said that. He’s VERY sensitive about his mucus.”

3. “Reindeer eat like they’re trying to bankrupt Christmas.”

“You think cookies are expensive? You should see Santa’s hay budget. Comet and Cupid once ate an entire shipment meant for three planets. Blitzen will eat tinsel if no one stops him.
That’s why he sparkles from the inside out. Not magic, poor dietary boundaries.”

4. “They gossip. Constantly.”

“You think elves talk? Reindeer gossip like they’re hosting a celestial podcast. Last year, they had a five-hour argument over whether Santa’s beard was naturally curly or ‘holiday-permed.’
I had to leave the room.”

5. “Antlers are not weapons. Stop waving them at me.”

“Every December, Dasher threatens me with his antlers like he’s starring in a low-budget fantasy film. I tell him: ‘Put those down or I’ll boop your snoot into another dimension.’
But he never listens.”

“I’m not saying they’re bad creatures.
I’m saying they’re dramatic, sparkly, hay-devouring chaos muffins.”

“…but I still bring them treats on Krampusnacht. Don’t tell them. They’ll start a union.”