WTTQ Channel 10 interrupts your regularly scheduled programming with a developing holiday mystery. According to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer himself, Santa Claus has not shown up for his annual pre-flight warm-up checks at the North Pole.
Rudolph, glowing anxiously at 400 lumens, gave a brief but frantic statement:
“He should’ve been here five hours ago. The sleigh’s polished, the reindeer are stretched, and even the emergency cookie rations are loaded. Something’s wrong. REALLY wrong.
When asked who might be responsible, the red-nosed one wasted no time offering possibilities…
SUSPECT #1: KRAMPUS
Krampus has been “annoyingly smug” this week, according to reindeer reports.
He was last seen sharpening his birch bundle and muttering things like:
“We’ll see who gets the nice list this year.”
A classic Krampus power move.
The aliens claim innocence—but their story keeps changing.
First, they said they saw nothing.
Then they said they saw a “jolly red heat signature.”
Then they insisted Santa “voluntarily boarded for research.”
Then they said they “do not know what a ‘Santa’ is.”
Security Caribou with Antennae are now sweeping the skies for unusual sleigh-shaped anomalies.
First, they said they saw nothing.
Then they said they saw a “jolly red heat signature.”
Then they insisted Santa “voluntarily boarded for research.”
Then they said they “do not know what a ‘Santa’ is.”
Security Caribou with Antennae are now sweeping the skies for unusual sleigh-shaped anomalies.
Rudolph urges everyone to stay alert:
After hours of panic, speculation, and one very dramatic reindeer revolt, new information is emerging about Santa’s disappearance.“If you see a sleigh flying backwards, glowing purple, or emitting accordion music, do NOT approach. That’s not Santa. That’s… something else.”
According to a source close to the North Pole (an elf who spoke on condition of anonymity because, quote, “Mrs. Claus scares me more than Krampus does”), Santa might have simply overslept.
Apparently, the Big Man stayed up late last night double-checking the Naughty List, which grew by 7,000 names after Area 52 aliens discovered the existence of “Black Friday behavior footage.”
Then he helped himself to a midnight snack of:
12 gingerbread men
4 mugs of cocoa
1 entire pumpkin pie “for carb loading”
And promptly fell asleep on top of the Workshop’s Wi-Fi router, shutting down all elf communications and preventing Rudolph’s emergency alert system from working.
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