BREAKING WTTQ BULLETIN: THE IGUANA WAS CAUGHT 🦎

Filed by Raine Solara from behind the bar at the Basement Club, still holding half a piñata stick and a shot of questionable mezcal.

TIME: 4:17 a.m., right after the jukebox played “Cruel to Be Kind” without skipping for the first time in 11 years.

LOCATION: Near the back patio of the Basement Club, just past the glowing moss and two suspiciously silent alien-cats.

THE IGUANA INFAMOUS & UNINVITED

Yes, that iguana. The one who:

Bit Bun G Chord’s synth cable mid-performance, causing a ripple in local time.
He was blamed for chewing on the sacred Basement booze stash, though recent evidence suggests Casey and Rachel framed him.
Was spotted sunbathing on top of the jukebox, right before it started speaking fluent Esperanto.
Allegedly whispered BBQ recipes to Dr. Parallax during a tequila tasting.

WHO CAUGHT HIM?
Someone was wearing slippers, holding a slice of leftover “Salton Sea Pizza,” and muttering something about “astral lizards.” She (who is she?) calmly placed an empty Moai mug on the floor.

The iguana slithered right in.

UNCONFIRMED RUMORS:
One of the alien Monarch butterflies followed the iguana.
The iguana may hold a piece of the chapel altar book in its stomach.
Pandora swears the iguana winked at her and said, “Tell Mike I remember.”

FINAL THOUGHT:
As the club crowd erupted in cheers and resumed dancing, the lights dimmed, the jukebox flickered, and the iguana, still calm in the tote, let out a tiny, unmistakable “cha-cha-cha.”

Stay tuned. This isn't over.