“Love, Lies, and Lasagna: The Alien Web at the Retreat”

 Filed by Raine Solara, who just had her reality rearranged like a piñata with secrets inside.

News: Dandy Is Dating Tubby’s Sister! Really?
The woman of disguises and lentil lectures has apparently set aside her vegan monologues long enough to woo someone… very not human.

They teleported the news van in

Tubby — confirmed alien, thick accent, oddly good at parallel parking a spaceship.

His sister? Mysterious, silvery-eyed, and rumored to be responsible for the glitter outbreak in the gallery.
They met at “Vegan Speakeasy Thursday” in the Basement. 

It was not vegan, and not Thursday.

Chloe’s quote:
“She’s not just an alien. She’s got that look… like she’s already dated time travelers and regrets nothing.” (sounds familiar? That is what I thought too)

MIKE, THE ALIEN (A.K.A. “The One Who Eats a Lot”)
Confirmed by Chloe:

“Let’s call him Mike. That’s not his name, but it feels right.”

Is this Mike? Or Tubby?

Further verified by Shallan, who has seen Mike down:

1. An entire tray of lasagna (non-Earth ingredients suspected)
2. Two small plants
3. One speaker wire (DJ Eddie was not pleased)

Mike sometimes appears in the chapel, meditating with the lizards. Mike may have eaten DJ Eddie's shoes; nobody really knows.

PANDORA: Mysterious, Fabulous, Maybe Elven? (recent visitor)
Claims never to have met Shayth’rien. But that glow around her ears in moonlight? Suspicious. She drinks “Star Milk,” reads books backwards, and once whispered an entire prophecy into an empty bottle of champagne.
Is she lying?
Or is she protecting someone?

Final thoughts: “The Retreat’s not just a place for lost souls and found romances.

It’s a cosmic waiting room.
And suddenly, everyone’s seated next to someone they don’t know, who is an alien.
Or worse — someone they loved like they were human.”