“Rachel’s Side Hustle: What’s Dr. Phil Got to Do With It?”

Filed at 3:17 A.M. by Raine Solara, who opened a suspicious crate marked “wellness supplements” and found something way weirder. 

Is this the crate?

WHO IS RACHEL (WHEN SHE’S NOT DANCING)?

We know her from The Basement Club:
Half of the glowing duo with Casey
Dealer of vibes
Queen of the “Happy Dance” (™) after smuggling liquor to the cat-aliens
But what happens after last call?
It turns out Rachel has a side business, and it involves someone who may or may not be the real Dr. Phil.

Rachel is in disguise due to shady business deals

He says his name is Dr. Phil, but:

No credentials anyone can verify
A business card that says “Life Coach & Psionic Nutritionist”
Once prescribed “emotional kombucha” to a grieving Moai
Rachel met him at the Retreat chapel, reportedly while arguing with a lizard over grave placement.
Now, they’re business partners.

THE BUSINESS: “MENTAL WAVE DELIVERY SYSTEMS”
Tagline: “Feel Better Before You Know You Felt Worse”

Products include:
Mood Boxes™, you don’t know what emotion you’ll receive, but it will ruin or upgrade your evening
Tinctures of Letting Go™ suspiciously just vodka with rose petals and a wax seal
Pheromone Candles “alien-approved,” unlicensed, and occasionally catch fire mid-meditation
They claim the system:
“Helps Second Life avatars transcend emotional baggage, convert it into stylish accessories, and monetize the healing process.”

Casey's reaction: “She said it was just a little side hustle. Then I found twelve crates of ‘Happy Juice for Sad Elves’ in the green room. Dr. Phil winked at me. I haven’t trusted light therapy since.”

Laura: "It is a shady business. You cannot trust Rachel."

Smells like alien smut

“Maybe it’s not a scam.
Maybe it is healing… strangely, only The Retreat understands
Through disguise. Through marketing. Through chaos that smells faintly of lemongrass and regret.”

This is blog entry number 1600 from the beginning of Saturday, September 3, 2011.