BREAKING WTTQ REPORT: “THERE WAS MONKEY BUSINESS GOING ON”

Filed at 2:34am by Raine Solara, broadcasting from the broken-down espresso cart beneath the Hollow Tree, where strange laughter echoed in the mist.

We’ve seen aliens.
We’ve danced with cat-people.
We’ve been kissed mid-dimension shift and blamed the jukebox for all our bad decisions.

But last night? Well, Casey said it was Friday, but it wasn't

There was undeniable, hairy-palmed monkey business going on.

“Monkey see, monkey knows.
 Monkey’s got your secrets. And he’s dancing next.”

 SONI – The Stylish Sleuth
Soni was the first to notice the strange rhythm echoing from the vents.
Clad in iridescent boots and suspicion, he muttered:
“That’s not jungle music. That’s a warning.”

He led the charge, using a broken mic stand as a baton and a flashlight app that glitched in Morse code. The monkey seemed to recognize him, blinking twice and vanishing into the wall. 

The aliens mixed with the monkeys, he says.
We are doomed.

The aliens mixed with the monkeys, he says. We are doomed.

CASEY – The Blamer Turned Believer

Initially, she blamed the cat-aliens for the missing liquor (again), but once she spotted tiny paw prints with opposable thumbs, she changed her tune.
She shouted:
“This is a two-banana job, and I’m not dancing until I get answers!”
Then she danced anyway. Hypnotic. Uncontrollable. Monkey-approved.

RACHEL – The Happy Dancer with a Dark Gift
Rachel followed the trail of banana peels like breadcrumbs, humming a song only the jukebox should’ve known.

She said, “He wore sunglasses. At night. I think he was winking in Morse.”
She later confirmed that the monkey made her a tiny friendship bracelet before disappearing.
Rachel’s now wearing it and has since gained the sudden ability to perfectly imitate capuchin screeches.

Soni has mapped out the club’s duct system.
Casey found fur in the soundboard and is cross-referencing DNA with DJ Bun’s collection.
Rachel is in a trance-like state, ballroom dancing alone, claiming she’s “waiting for the midnight climb.”

Do not trust Astrid, she is a slut, Dr. Parallax says.

The monkey is a dimensional scout. The monkey is Tubby in disguise.
The monkey is a warning from Anjelikka’s forgotten past, something about “the one she loved but shouldn’t have.”

Dr. Parallax has placed “banana sensors” at all entry points.