Krampus Explains Why Santa Says “Ho Ho Ho”

 A WTTQ Channel 10 Exclusive Interview

Most humans think Santa says “ho ho ho” because he’s jolly.
The aliens of Area 52 strongly disagree.
According to their research (which involved analyzing mall Santas, decoding holiday movies, and interrogating a blow-up Santa in front of Club Rapa Nui), they asked Krampus.

KRAMPUS:
“Oh, finally. Someone asks me instead of that red-suited sugar balloon. Sit down. Listen carefully. I’ll explain what the ho ho ho nonsense is really about.”

“Ho ho ho” is Santa mocking me.
“Yes. You heard me.
Every December, when I’m doing my job, dragging misbehaving folks through the snow, rattling chains, keeping the universe morally balanced, he flies overhead and bellows:”

“HO HO HO!” = ‘I’m popular, and you’re terrifying, deal with it.’
“Honestly? Rude.”

“Humans think it’s jolly.
Aliens think it’s a low-grade war cry.
But really it means:
‘Hide the cookies, Gary, I’m coming down the chimney.’”

“I tried teaching him.
We were on a mission together in 1348. Needed silence. Needed stealth.
He took one step in the snow and boomed:”

‘HO HO...’
“And the whole operation collapsed.”

Santa uses “ho ho ho” to confuse the reindeer.

“Yes. Yes, he does.
It’s code to make them think they’re going left when they’re supposed to go right.
Have you ever wondered why he sometimes ends up in Area 52 instead of Cleveland?
There you go.”

Santa says it because he can’t burp quietly.

“This one is embarrassing for him, but someone must speak the truth.
Milk + cookies + extreme altitude = pressure buildup.
‘Ho ho ho’ is just the polite version of what would happen otherwise.”

“And that’s it. The real story.
Not jolly. Not magical.
Just loud, mildly passive-aggressive, and terrible for stealth missions.”

“Also, tell him to stop calling me ‘Ho-Ho-Bro.’ I hate that.”