Tuesday, May 26, 2020

Is there anything worth holding on to?

Lately, it seems
I've lost inspiration
It feels like it's miles away
I sleep through the day
Cry through the night time
Caught in an empty space
It takes effort to fight
I don't have the strength

I'm holding on to what's still left of me
When the life you had planned
Slowly slips through your hands
When it feels like you just slept through all
The best years of your life
When you can't find your way
When each day is the same
When you've lost the fight inside of you
Is there anything worth holding on to?

It's hard to be strong
When weakness is stronger
I'm a prisoner in my own skin
I'm not good on my own
I need to be cared for
Someone to help these days begin
There are dreams I've let die
That I just pushed aside
I need to find out how to turn this dark back into light
When the warmth disappears
When it's been one of those years
When you're running from the truth because your scared of what you might find
When your heart's beyond repair
When you wake and no ones there
When your home consists of only you
Is there anything worth holding on to

Maybe tomorrow my heart will reawaken
And I can find what I've been searching for
But today I'm tired and I'm running out of strength
All I know is I can't live like this anymore
When you're so far from home
When you've lost all signs of hope
When you're searching for salvation
But it feels so far away
When the words have disappeared
And the melody's unclear
When there's nothing left inside of you
Is there anything worth holding on to
Cause I will still be holding on, to anything worth holding on to...

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

Hey are you awake?

“And when no one wakes you up in the morning, and no one waits for you at night, and you can do whatever you want, what do you call it? Freedom or loneliness?”

Hey, are you awake? Yeah, I'm right here. Well, can I ask you about today?

I find that most of the time people are afraid of you when you suffer from some kind of depression because let's face it depression is categorized under Mental Health. I don't feel like a nut case. I find that mental health is still a very taboo subject. Many people are still ignorant about mental health and don’t treat it seriously because it’s not really visible. There is this stigma around it like it would be an illness that is contagious. It really isn't.

There are times when I asked people for advice and the second I feel that I am a burden, I pull away. I know it makes them uncomfortable and they cannot be brutally honest to me and tell me to stop bugging, which would save me much time. 

Silence can be worse than a slap in the face because people with anxiety will analyze this and mostly in a negative way. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies.

Do not accept emotional abuse. Know that you are worthy of a healthy relationship with someone who can communicate in a mature, emotionally healthy manner. Play with someone who has the ability to share the shovel and pail. You deserve no less. So again I ask: Hey, are you awake? Yeah, I'm right here. Well, can I ask you about today?

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

I have to pinch myself...

...it's said in surprise when you can't believe that something so good is happening just to let you know that its real and you're not dreaming. Another one of those terms that would be taken wrong in translation.

There has been an amazing amount of visitors to the Retreat since the video and destination came out. The blog has more and more visitors as well. There are 70 countries registered who have looked at the blog. Unbelievable pinching material for sure.

I love how creative people are with their avatars. This fox was so cool as it danced around the Retreat and even filled a big portion inside the Basement Club. Love it.

There is a Flickr group for anyone who does take pictures and wants to add them to the Retreat Group: https://www.flickr.com/groups/amretreat/

I would love to see who all visits or how you see the Retreat.

Monday, May 18, 2020

The Retreat

Thank you Second Life and Draxtor for listing the Retreat and telling my story. It was quite an adventure and an honor to have this. 

I also wanted to thank all of my friends and supporters who believe in me and join me in this adventure. Each one of you added a part to this and I am very grateful to have this. I know some of you had to be here extra extra early to make this video happen. Thank you!

thanks, John for this picture
I hope everybody who comes and visits the Retreat and Basement Club will find new friends, peace, joy, laughter, and more.

Quiet on the set....Action, Camera and Roll!!!!


Saturday, May 16, 2020

Being Thirsted Over

To have an intense desire, yearning, or need for something. Even from a young age, he thirsted after knowledge, devouring any he could get his hands on. Growing up in such a small, secluded town, I constantly thirsted after romance and adventure.

Being thirsted over is one of those terms me as a German takes this literal and I honestly thought why are people saying this? I understood it as thirst= The desire to drink, and over= At an end: So my meaning of thirsted over would be I had too much to drink. What? 

Imagine someone who is learning English and how they would translate that. Let me know in the comments what you think.

I could say in German: ich gönn' mir 'nen Lütten, but that would not translate well either, and besides as I am learning this being thirsted over has nothing to do with drinking.

Friday, May 15, 2020

Second Life is really an extension of real life.

Every person has a story and every story is important. It is what defines us and all you have to believe that your story is important. Your story makes a difference. ~ Anjelikka 2020

Second Life is really an extension of real life. Some people may not agree with this but think about it; when you log in it is you at this moment logging in, you are the one who decides what to say and what to do, so it is happening in the "now". It is real life.

More about this later...
When the opportunity arrives to tell your story, you go with it. It is not a matter of luck it is what suppose to have happened. Whether an opportunity is big or small you have to be ready. I had the absolute pleasure of telling my story to Draxtor Depres. Draxtor is a person who has a great deal of interest in people's stories. What makes them (the people) come to Second Life? He has a quality of kindness and respect and a sense of humor, which is cool for a German guy. Us Germans are not always labeled to be funny, but in reality, we are, you just have to get to know us.

Who is the true me? What is my story?
Second Life may have avatars and creatures but each one is operated by a real-life person and it is very much real life that is happening in the virtual world. There are reasons for all of us who log in why we are here. Some of us may create beautiful avatars and some may create a character that is just waiting for their story to be told.

I find it truly amazing this place and I know that is why Draxtor is here as well. I feel this is a perfect place for him to get to know about a person because here in Second Life it is a little bit easier to tell your story. It has a bit of anonymity because you only reveal what you want. Even if you are totally not revealing anything you are still in a way telling your story of wanting to escape from the world that defines who you are.

The Second Life Book Club
I recently attended my very first Second Life Book Club session and was very impressed by the quality of book selections and the pure love for literature by not only Draxtor but the audience. I highly recommend all book lovers to go and check it out and hear from the authors who wrote the books. Oh, by the way, Draxtor is an excellent reader and storyteller, so I have to give him an A+ for that. For me, it is always better when someone reads the story rather than me reading it myself. Dyslexia often gets in the way.

Thank you Draxtor for listening to not only my story but for listening to the people who are here in second life. 

Thursday, May 14, 2020

Yeats, life, death and cemeteries

Long years ago; a church stands near,
By the road an ancient Cross.
No marble, no conventional phrase,   
On limestone quarried near the spot   
By his command these words are cut:

               Cast a cold eye   
               On life, on death.   
               Horseman, pass by!                               ~W. B. Yeats

Irish Nobel laureate poet William Butler Yeats penned "Under Ben Bulben" as the last poem he would ever write. It is fitting that he wrote the last three lines to be the epitaph inscribed on his gravestone.
The poem is a last will and testament for Yeats' artistic and spiritual vision. He uses the legendary women and horsemen of the area to embody the spiritual wholeness and immortality. He calls on humanity, artists, and poets to continue to produce their art.
I absolutely love cemeteries and poetry. Cemeteries have that certain mystique and wisdom of people who lived their lives and they may be forgotten, they still left something behind. As a child, my playground was the cemetery because I lived across from the old cemetery in town and the old graves were an instant magnet of inspirations for stories and visions I had. Like the Nobel Prize in Physics that was awarded to Wilhelm Conrad Roentgen for his discovery. Per his wishes, he was buried in the graveyard of his parents at 14 Am Alten Friedhof Giessen, Hessen, Germany, where later his wife Bertha was also buried. In a final humbling act, on his tombstone, his middle name was misspelled by the mason, written with a “K” instead of a “C.” (Roentgen invented the x-ray)
Come visit the Retreat 
Maybe that was one of the reasons I included a cemetery at the Retreat next to the chapel in the churchyard, It is actually a favorite spot of mine to sit there by the fire and think.
I call it the Draki's Pet Cemetery because Draki, a friend of mine likes to hang around there as well and you never know what he presents himself as. No, there are no pets buried there, and another reason why I named it Pet cemetery is that I consider him a furry pet I found several years back and he quietly resides at the cemetery.

What is the legacy that you leave behind for others to remember you by?
I would hope like Yeats said that art and poetry would be something people would remember me but truly what matters more is that we are being remembered in our mortal stage especially during these times of isolation. 
Call someone! Ask them how they are, be the one they will remember you cared when times were tough.

Power ( my attempt on Yeats poetry)

There lies within me such a force of power
No sun or moon or star could hope to reach.
My slightest thought sparks forth a fiery shower
Far greater than any fragile mortal's speech.
And yet I have shadows of dissolution
That threatens to grow, to diminish the flames,
So in humbleness, I offer assimilation:
And together we can discover the farthest domains.
For you can become the channel, the base, the compassion,
Providing a wellspring for energies I consume,
Relinquishing yourself to my driving passion
Made mortal, yet allowing your mortal self to bloom,
For I will show you worlds: and once you understand,
Even pools of stars will whirl at your command.
by Anjelikka

Sunday, May 10, 2020

Do I miss you? I don't know

Long ago and far away
Do I miss you? I can't say
Far away and long ago
Do I miss you? I don't know
Uuh I loved it there and then
But would it be like there again?

I wake up in the morning find myself again alone
I fix myself my breakfast in my kitchen on my own
I take the coffee with me and start waiting by the phone
And then you call
And I feel like I am floating
I feel my batteries reloading
I remember your hazel eyes
And I won't forget your smile
Still, I don't know what to do
Maybe dreaming dreams of you.

Is it old and is it new?

I like to look at furniture in windows in the stores
I think a lot of cars that I know I can't afford
I make it home quite early 'cause I hope you'll call once more

And you don't call

Far from feeling like a hero
I remain at level zero
The hardest part is when hopes fall
You got nothin' at all
The hardest part is when dreams die
Please do keep'em alive

Friday, May 8, 2020


I do it all just because. Just because that's a good enough reason if there ever was. Because it is healing and because it feels great. It is therapy, 24/7.

Heidewitzka ( wow), is this lovely or not?

The lovey places are the reason you should log into Second Life, especially now with the C19 going on in the world. You want to see the beach, well here you go. Paradise!

I let it rain confetti for you I'll give you a lot of it. Stop hiding. That doesn't make any sense and you still have confetti in the fold of your forehead. The only thing missing is you now. Are you coming? Are you going to walk the beach barefoot with me and feel the sand in between your toes? I have so many questions for you. I know you have a small sliver of a smile right now. Do not deny it. 

Even crabs love this place in their own crabby little way.

No matter what comes, it will work out in the end, anyway
There's always a new door opening, somewhere
Even if it doesn't go well sometimes, as usual
No matter, it will work out in the end, anyway...it will. The world will be right back where it started and I hope that humanity has learned a few things about what is really important. 

I am forever grateful to have this luxury to be able to log in and be here and the great thing about it, it gets more beautiful each time. The incredible talents people have and bring in here is absolutely amazing. 

~ pictures were taken at Cann!bal 
(Take unbelievable photos on a total of 4 breathtaking virtual beach regions. Enjoy a multitude of exciting tropical activities, or just watch as their dynamic region windlight day cycles control the region-wide lights. This estate has been under development for more than 10 years and offers countless attractions seen nowhere else on the grid.)

Thursday, May 7, 2020

Just the right word at the right time

Fly, Prozac powered Parrot, fly!

There are so many times when I feel my world has broken beyond repair and just then Second Life helps me again and usually every time to forget about the unexpected downfalls that PTSD brings.

This time it got me
You can't always just win
I'm losing my balance
That's it, you thought I was strong
Until that day when my little world breaks
Sometimes there is something that seems unexpected
Sometimes we don't need much to be happy
Just the right word at the right time
Just a little light in the dark
The moment that gets us back on our feet

Late-night chats around the fire, even when we have different opinions and beliefs we still benefit from the little things that make us happy, which is a community of people in a social distant world.

This time, fate seized me
And made my life difficult
And yet I'm here
That's it, just a moment
That gives me a smile
If nothing else moves in me
Just a smile where no one else laughs
Just a ray of sunshine after an endless night
The moment that keeps us alive
Just the right word at the right time.

I see more clearly when the fog clears and I know what the purpose is of whatever I am looking for.

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

Don't let working at home drive you crazy....

Working from home was not actually a choice I made, it was given when all of this madness started. I can be thankful knowing I still have a job, but the uncertainty of what is happening with this C19 can set off many triggers of depression.

People who work alone are at high risk for depression and anxiety. The very nature of the work is crazy-making. We work insane hours, our brains never turn off, and we tend to neglect basic necessities. (It's 10 p.m. and I haven't eaten dinner. Or showered. I should probably do that.)

Take a break and that is where Second Life comes in during these times when you are all of a sudden need a break from zoom meetings and conference calls and the blah blah blah emails. I tend to take out an hour for just logging in and saying hi to a few people and I feel better that they understand because they are also going through this as well. You see you are never really alone.

People in the club dancing? Perfect time to get up and wiggle along. Something is better than nothing...so get up and dance!!!
Sitting on your butt, staring at a computer screen all day is bad for your health. The list of detriments to your health is so long I can't even begin. Let's just boil it down to heart, circulatory system, bone health, cancer, and other chronic diseases -- and depression. It's not rocket science. Get some exerciseBe honest. You know you sit too much. Stop doing that. The benefits of exercise are so extreme and varied they affect every facet of your life, including your mental health. You'll be happier, sleep better, and work more productively.

You may not have control over all the stress in your life, but you're in complete control of your environment. Lower your stress and set yourself up for success with an office designed to maximize productivity. I just bought some lighting for my room and that makes a big difference. I also like to spray the room all over with some of my favorite sprays or perfumes. It makes me happy! You know those magazines that have perfume samples in them. Don't throw them away, rub them all over your pillow.

Get inspired and try out some of those free gifts you collected from all of the fairs and stored. You'd be surprised at what you find. One thing...do stay well. 

"Don't work from bed. You want your bed to be a place of peace and calm, not work stress."

Sunday, May 3, 2020

My worst nightmare

One survey found that 80% of people with PTSD suffered frequent nightmares, while only around 3% of people not suffering from PTSD experience regular nightmares. When people have experienced trauma, such as PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), they will often have recurring nightmares replaying traumatic events they have experienced. Many people who do not suffer from PTSD also might experience a recurring nightmare. A nightmare that recurs can present a valuable opportunity for self-reflection and growth -- whether inspired by trauma or not.

Many times my recurring dream involves a passenger plane. The dream is very similar and I have had it for many years. The scene is simple and plays out in the backyard, whether that is an open field or the houses behind me. What is remarkable the dream knows if I live in the house and the back is an open field or if as the present live in a house and the backyard borders on neighborhood homes.

I am never on the plane but I witness the plane all broken up with fire and smoke and people escaping the tragic event. Always kind of the same. Sometimes there is a long time in between that dream and just when I think about it and want to rejoice it comes back.

Sleep is supposed to be a safe refuge — a place of calmness, relaxation, and the occasional no-consequences dream about invisibility cloaks. But nightmares change all that. Experiencing plane crash dreams, dreams about being the victim of a crime, or any other nightmare can not only make sleep stressful — it can make us feel on edge during our waking hours, too. 

I am never a victim of that plane crash, I just see it through my window like a movie. Now I love planes and the magic of transporting so many people all at once. I often in real life when I am in San Diego go near the airport parking garage and park on the top. This is a unique airport and the planes have to dive over the hill and then land. When you are standing there you can see the passengers in the window, you can see the pilot, you feel the breeze when it flys over. I love it. Like the picture below. 

This was a picture I took some years ago over San Diego

I suppose there are many interpretations of dreams and what to make of it I really don't know. I saw this suggestion, tell me what you think?

Dreaming of looking at a plane crash – If you dreamed of looking at a plane crash, that dream is not a good sign. It often indicates your inability to finish something you have planned. Maybe it indicates being in danger and warns you to be alert. It might also indicate the ending occurring in some areas of your life. Often this dream is a sign of unrealistic goals and dreams. Maybe it indicates doubting yourself and your abilities to accomplish your goals and desires.

Saturday, May 2, 2020

My world will wait

An empty chair, there's no one there. Still your face I always see. Misty memories reminding me how it all died, the joys, the laughs and tears we cried.

My world will wait for you I promised myself, there's nobody else. The tic 'n' toc of a lonely clock turns the hours into years. I recall so many fun things we have done but it all changed the fate to shun. 

My world will wait for you I promised myself but don't keep me waiting anymore, each hour and day gets longer than before and I always belong to you. I just sit here and wait for now and keep dreaming as my world waits.