“Alien Tarot Hotline”

“Good evening. Tonight, Area 52 brings you a new community service: interstellar insight through cardboard symbolism. This is Alien Tarot Hotline.”

A velvet-draped table. Candles that definitely do not need oxygen. A deck of tarot cards floating mid-air. Behind the table sits an alien from Kepler-22B, posture impeccable, hands elongated, eyes reflective.
A neon sign reads:

CALL NOW. YOUR DESTINY IS STATISTICALLY SIGNIFICANT.

Caller #1 “Confused Capricorn”
HUMAN (nervous): “Hi… um… I just want to know if I should quit my job.”
The alien shuffles the deck without touching it. The cards rearrange themselves in precise geometric order.
Three cards flip:
The Fool.
The Eight of Pentacles.
The Tower.

The alien tilts its head.

ALIEN: “You are already planning collapse. You simply want permission.”
HUMAN: “…Oh.”
ALIEN: “Your probability of job dissatisfaction is 87%. Your probability of impulsive action is 64%. Please update your résumé before leaping off cliffs.”

ALIEN: “Remember: The cards do not predict your fate. They reveal your bias.” The candles flicker. The neon sign pulses.

Caller #2  Anonymous (voice modulated)
CALLER: “What do the cards say about Area 52?”
The room temperature drops slightly.
The deck shuffles itself without instruction.
Three cards flip:
The Star.
The Wheel of Fortune.
The Tower.
The alien’s posture shifts.
ALIEN (quietly): “Expansion. Cycles. Structural recalibration.”

The Kraken: “Recalibration?”
ALIEN: “Not destruction. Upgrade.”

Caller #3 “Romantically Doomed”
HUMAN: “Is he my soulmate?”
The alien pauses longer this time.
Cards reveal:
The Lovers.
The Moon.
The Five of Swords.
ALIEN: “You desire connection. You distrust connection. You anticipate conflict. This is an inefficient emotional loop.”
HUMAN: “So… is that a yes?”
ALIEN (blinks slowly): “It is a ‘proceed with data.’”

“Tonight we learned that the future is not fixed, love is complicated, and aliens prefer statistically grounded intuition.”
ALIEN TAROT HOTLINE
Now accepting walk-ins. Payment accepted in emotional honesty.

Stay curious. Shuffle responsibly.