Monday, May 31, 2021

There is a scar, but you do not see it.

I feel like I'm straddling a timeline where the past is pulling me in one direction and the present another. I see flashes of images and noises burst through, fear comes out of nowhere. My heart races, my breathing is loud and I no longer know where I am.

Sometimes people insist on playing AC/DC in the club for me because I had expressed that I do not like them and I do not want to hear them. It is not that I dislike the band, it is what triggers me from the past. I wonder why people get joy from this. You would not reopen a scar just for the fun of it? You let it heal and yes it reminds you, but you never reopen it. 
PTSD is kind of like that. There is a scar, but you do not see it.

You fight every moment to protect that scar so it will not reopen and that can be very exhausting. It makes me weak and I doubt myself every time and I hear the laughter from a distance. In a therapy session, I was once asked what I like people to know about me and I responded that deep inside there is me, and "me" is really a beautiful person and she likes people to know that this scar does not go away, but it can heal and she is trying to heal and needs people to be understanding.

When I take pictures in Second Life it helps me calm myself and it gives me a sense of safety. I am then in my avoidance place and do not have to deal with people who do not know and sometimes do not care.

I can surround myself with beautiful things and later look at the pictures that I have taken and see that "me" and how creative the experience was.

Keeping this visual blog (journal) helps me look back on how I deal with emotions and what the triggers are and how I can avoid them. Each person deals with the fight/flight responses differently and that is ok. I am grateful to Second Life to have a place to go and to find some peace along the way. 

And for those who want to continue to play AC/DC go ahead but know this if you do know me, that music was played as I was being choked and beaten and whimpered for help.

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