monster that infests your head

Nights are the worst for many people with depression. Too much time to think, too much time alone and too much darkness. It’s hard when people are not awake or if I know they’re doing something else, I don’t want to bother them. Yet, sometimes I have to. Sometimes, I just need someone to tell me life is worth living. Depression is a monster that infests your head with lies until they become your truth. And its most potent, most dangerous and most infectious lie is that your life does not have value and is not worth living.

This lie has become my truth on and off for years. Sometimes, it lingers in my head for only a few hours, but sometimes it’s day in and day out for weeks, even months. “You don’t deserve to be here, you’re not worth it. Why do you keep trying? You’re not getting better, you never will. Just. Give. Up. Already.” It screams at you, it’s deafening. And even if you don’t believe it, having someone tell you that life is worth living, that your life is worth living, that they want you here — it’s powerful.

crawling-

on hands and knees

     as I fight my way back

     to you

entangled

in a web of memories

dragging myself through

the dead and debris

amongst

mummified thoughts

and emotions;

now stagnant,

yet petrifying none-the-less.

I'm not sure how much

more of this I can endure

with each passing day

I lose a little bit more of

     my strength and stamina; 

     faith, courage

     patience.