“Why Do the Aliens Take Our Cows?”

 Anchor Raine Solara, live from Area 52, Monty Region

“Good evening, viewers. Tonight, we tackle one of the strangest, most unsettling mysteries in the chronicles of alien contact: the cows. Why them? Why here? Why now?”

From the windswept pastures of the Monty Region to the classified enclosures of the SEGI Project, cattle have repeatedly been reported missing, mutilated, or returned altered in inexplicable ways.

Cows breathe our air, drink our water, and graze on our grass. Their physiology provides a living snapshot of Earth’s environment, making them the ideal test subjects for extraterrestrial science.

Declassified SEGI memos hint that alien visitors may not feed in ways we understand. Instead, they harvest enzymes, hormones, and even microbial colonies from bovine systems to create sustainable food for long interstellar voyages.

Across Earth’s cultures, cows carry profound meaning from sacred reverence to economic livelihood. Some researchers argue that their abductions are less about biology and more about sending a chilling message: “We know what you treasure most.”
And then, there’s the human toll.

Tubby, a longtime Basement Club regular, lost his cow during April’s Monty Region disturbances. While the SEGI Project insisted the animal was “safe and serving science” aboard Atlas 3i, Tubby was left with nothing but a luminous ear-tag, an alien token of gratitude that feels more like a cruel reminder.

So the question remains: are the cows victims of cosmic necessity… or pawns in an interstellar mind game?

This is Raine Solara, WTTQ, reminding you: if the aliens come for your livestock, lock the barn doors tight, but know it may already be too late.