WTTQ AREA 52 BREAKING NEWS

Chaotic static. A deep hum. The broadcast cuts in.

“Ladies, gentlemen, terrestrials, and otherwise, stop what you are doing. We have breaking news from the tarmac at Area 52.

Where is the manager?

In what can only be described as the boldest and perhaps most absurd civilian interception of extraterrestrial property, a woman identified only as Phillies Karen has taken the UFO.

Eyewitness reports confirm she marched straight across the security perimeter, wielding nothing but a foam finger, a half-finished cheesesteak, and an iron will. Security drones tried to intervene, but she shouted, quote, ‘I want to speak to the mothership manager!’ The aliens, unfamiliar with this tone of human authority, immediately backed down.

"Give me the UFO, the train, the sim. It is mine!!!"

She then boarded the craft, adjusted the driver’s seat with uncanny confidence, and listeners, we can hardly believe this she lifted off. The UFO responded as if it had always been hers.

The aliens remain in shock, circling each other in confused spirals, muttering about ‘customer service protocols.’ Meanwhile, Phillies Karen is now streaking across the Nevada sky, leaving behind only echoes of her demand for a refund.

This is my UFO, I had it first.

We will continue to monitor this unprecedented event. For now, the only certainty is this: at Area 52, the impossible has once again become the evening news.

This is WTTQ, signing off, though whether our skies are still ours is anyone’s guess.”

The transmission ends with static and faint chewing sounds, possibly from the cheesesteak.

A solemn drone. Holographic glyphs swirl, translated into English with only partial accuracy.

ALIEN SPOKESBEING:
“Attention, humans. We of the Fifth Spiral Compact issue this communiqué regarding the unauthorized acquisition of our Interstellar Conveyance, Unit 7B—known to you as ‘the UFO.’

We acknowledge the actions of the entity you refer to as Phillies Karen. Her demand to ‘speak with the mothership manager’ bypassed all of our negotiation protocols. We had no defense prepared for such audacity.

Let it be known:
She consumed the captain’s seat warmer controls as if they were nachos.
She renamed our navigation AI to ‘Kyle.’
She reprogrammed the warp drive to broadcast baseball radio commentary across three galaxies.

This behavior is unacceptable, illogical, and yet… strangely effective.

We will not retaliate. Instead, we file an official complaint—a thing we have only recently learned to do from your internet forums. We demand either the immediate return of our vessel… or season tickets behind home plate at Citizens Bank Park.

Until then, we remain grounded, embarrassed, and forced to share one shuttle pod for six beings. We hum The Long Pause in shame.